A Lifetime

Incident.

Hurt.

Heal.

Repeat.                Add time.

Repeat.                Add shame.

Repeat.                Add scar.     

Repeat…             for a lifetime.                                   

My work explores the healing process the body undertakes after years of scarring; scarring, which hibernates at the core of the body.

To heal the body needs to be strong. 

Thus, these forms are created from beeswax, as it is a natural foundation for the body’s healing process to start. 

Something Good Will Happen

Totem Shriver's two Intro to Studio classes, one of which I help in, finished their mural yesterday.  From different angeles the ovals look like circles. Also, from afar one can see the colors blur, but as one gets closer the forms show clear, and strong.  The bright and intricate imagery is toned down by the matte black.  The beautiful and intriguing imagery, in combination with the solid matte black, and matte crimson color heighten the experience.

Individually these pieces are strong.  

However, combined something good happens.

Nothing Lost

Two days ago I tried to pull out my beeswax mould from the plaster cast.  It did not go as planned.  As the talc could not stay on the vertical walls of the cast, the beeswax stuck.  I tried to heat the wax to help loosen it.  However, the mould lost its form.  In the end I took the beeswax out in chunks.  I plan to re-use it with my new plan of attack.

I will coat the mould in either Pam cooking spray or vaseline, or both, to help the mould come out of the form.  I will then layer a thin fabrics, known as cheese cloth, in order to help lift the mould out of the cast.  I will also mix nylon threads into the wax, in order to strengthen and bind the wax.

I will practice all of this on a smaller scale until I reach the perfect combination of these things.  Nothing is lost.  Information is gained!

The Day Before...

This was the day before I will leverage my beeswax forms out of the plaster moulds.  I have made the beeswax thick enough so that, in theory, they will not break.  However, I made them thin enough to show, with proper lighting, the shadow of what lies within.

As the wax cooled the multitude of layers resulted in a ragged look.  To smooth this I heated the wax up with a heat gun and burnished it with the backside of a spoon.

The effect it made was wonderful!  I am excited and nervous to take the wax out tomorrow!

Getting Inspiration

It is in the moments where we are lost that we find ourselves.  I am currently aiding professor Totem Shriver in his Intro To Studio class.  It is here that I learned this.  A few years ago I was in this class, taught by Totem.  This was my first art class.  I did not understand his unconventional ways of teaching.  I did not understand that it is sometimes necessary to be lost.  I ended up feeling lost at the beginning of the class.  It was after each project that was completed that I stepped back in awe.  This man knew not only how to teach, he knew how to empower.

I have aided in Totem's class before.  Each time students come in, from all different walks of life.  Some want to be accountants, other nurses.  In the end, given they follow their gut and Totem's guide, they leave artists.

I am in consistent awe of this.  In the past few weeks the Studio class has been working on a public mural.  We started with two large ovals, which we painted beige.

We then chose color.  We decided complimentary colors would look nice.  Blue, and green, would be the main colors.  We then would add pops of burnt orange and pink.  The students looked at these large ovals.  We gave the students an eighth inch brushes.  

The funny thing about rules, guidelines really, is that someone always breaks them.  Here a student took their tiny brush and made a large crevice of color.

The students continued on though.  Some days more confused than others.  Until the ovals were nearly filled.

Though not completed yet, the students faces are looking up.  They are looking at this giant mural, and wondering if they really did that.  I know, as I was in the same boat a few years ago.

I am proud to learn this lesson of being lost again.  It has helped me find myself, and for that I thank Totem Shriver; art professor, mentor, true friend.

Bee-ing One With Myself

After I found the petrified bee in my melting beeswax I found strength enough to pour the wax into my moulds.  I prepped the moulds by adding talc powder into them with a sifter, so as to coat the surface fully and evenly.  I melted the beeswax and poured it in the mould.

I used a spoon to move the hot wax and keep it from puddling in the crevices of the mould.  

As the wax cooled it was easier to get it up the walls of the mould.

Though not as smooth as I'd prefer the wax to be I was rather pleased with how the talc kept the wax from sticking to the mould's surface.

I melted more wax and in the meantime I used a heat gun to smooth the wax that had been poured into the mould.  I then poured the second layer.

I had originally only planned on filling one mould.  However, I was enthralled with this process and decided to fill both of them with beeswax.

I put a fan nearby to aid in the cooling process.  I hope a flash cooling will help the wax separate from the mould.  I will return tomorrow to see what effect cooling and time has on the wax.

The Importance Of Bee-ing Earnest

There are some things in the world that makes me realize the importance of being earnest and diligent in my work as an artist.  Today as I melted my beeswax I found one of these things.  A tiny bee lay on the surface of the melted beeswax.  It had been dead for a while.  The wax kept it petrified in perfect condition.

Normally such an image as a dead creature would be sad to me.  But this bee was so beautiful.  It was perfect.  The was tinted the wings regular white color, turning them golden.  The gold color brought out the veins in the wings.  The glossy wax left a shine to the bee's body.  

This is an image I shall not soon forget.  I have been having trouble making art lately.  I have been lost.  I have feared this loss for over ten days now.  I have never really looked at a blank paper and not known what to do.  These past ten days I was at a loss for thought, a loss of instinct, a loss of     bravery.  

The sheer beauty this creature provided me today is something I treasure.  I don't believe in a higher power in a God of sorts.  But I do believe that this was a good omen.  This beauty brought me strength to work, and inspiration to direct me.  I am very grateful for today.

Artist Statement

In efforts to move forward
I breathe in,
hiding in my scars,
repeated wounds.
Swallowing the past, whole, into my core.

Like shards bursting through a glass ceiling
they show themselves,
exposing me,
raw.

In efforts to move forward,
I breathe out,
steadily,
I rise.

Inspiration

I was very inspired by Janine Antoni.  Her series Lick and Lather, to be specific.

The image has stuck with me, a pair of 7.  7 busts made of soap and 7 of chocolate.  Antoni talks of her process in the following interview.  It is incredibly inspiring.  These ideas are what inspired me on how to make my new series. 

I had the idea for a few years now; an idea of the body healing through trauma.  I now am excited and ready to execute this idea.  As shown in previous posts I have made moulds of my body.  This extremely revealing process was exactly what I needed.  

When my naked body was covered in plaster I felt warm.  It was an armour, that eventually, due to the chemicals, grew too hot to have on my body.  As it was taken off me I felt raw and more vulnerable than I had felt even earlier.  My skin was red, my face was hot.  I needed a towel to cover myself immediately.  

It was like a mask, a shield of armour has been taken off me.  I was weak from dehydration.  But once I looked at the finished product I was strong.  I had relinquished all of my energy, my form, unto a new me.  

In a way I felt purer than I had before this process.  It was very close to my heart.  I hope to do the process justice.  

It All Started With...

I become inspired by the simplest of things.  Sometimes I get inspired by a dream.  That is how I started working with beeswax.  

I had a dream where I was a bee.  I was in a giant hive.  I saw the cell walls all around me.  They were grand, like a cathedral setting.  I was small and all of the hive was a giant room.  Grand, and awe-inspiring.  The walls were a molten gold, that turned to shades of marigold, and orange, and yellow, depending on my vantage point.  There were two things in this hive.  Myself, and a giant wall. The wall was made of beeswax.  I saw it before me.  A challenge I knew I had to accept.  I could go around either side of the wall, but I felt in my gut that I must fly over.  

I hovered there for a moment, and then tried to make the fantastical journey over the wall.  I would fly sometimes a quarter of the way.  It was no until I had almost given up that I decided to push once more.  I made it to where I could just barely see over the wall.  I wasn't close enough to go over the wall though.

This dream ended with me looking down on my bee self.  I felt like God, looking down in this grand setting at my hovering self.  I never touched the ground of the hive.  

This dream has stuck with me.  It is why I work with beeswax.  To be honest this dream is the most real thing that I have experienced.  It was when I knew I was doing something right.  

You can take what you will from the dream.  But what I took is that I needed to work with beeswax. 

So, with that in mind I bought some.  And continued to buy some.  About 30 pounds later I made a piece that was presented at the Linfield College art gallery.

Now, I create a whole new series.  60 pounds later I simply wish to make something out of nothing.

Wax Trials

I have made the following mould in efforts to learn more about my plaster moulds.  I stuck my elbow in plaster and saw how the impression set in.  It was wonderful.  The plaster captured my elbows pockets and grooves.

I then powdered my mould with talc.  After this I heated some wax in a wok on a hot plate.

The end result was rather intriguing.  I poured the hot wax into the mould.  As the wax hardened I could pop the wax shape out of the mould.

The detail I could create with the mould translated very well to the wax elbows.

From this experiment I learned to not add as much talc to my mould.  I, also learned that I need to find a way to dig out some of the wax, so that the center of my wax copies are not solid wax; in order to conserve resources.

My plan is to scoop out the insides wax, and then go over the wax with a heat gun to soften the carved out edges.

Trials and Tribulations

I thoroughly enjoy repetitive acts.  This may be one of the traits that connects me to bees, who spend the majority of their lives preforming the same tasks.  I find my OCD has infiltrated my work.

My art has always been the way I could be chaotic, ignore my self-imposed restrictions, get crazy.  Now I find the two sides of me, my organized daily self, and my creative art self, are at odds.  The two sides of me are resulting in much tension in my work.

However, I have found peace in repetitive acts.  I painted the background in a wash of India ink mixed with water.  In an aboriginal style, I then added dots.  I limited myself to three colors.  The first ones that drew my attention.  The end result is a piece that reminds me that the two sides of me can simultaniously be shown in my work, in turn, showing a cohesive piece.

Plaster Mould

Over this summer I sketched.  At first I did not know what I would create next.  That's the very thing people rarely tell you about successful art pieces.  They are very difficult to follow up.  Eventually I stopped thinking about what I'd do next to "top myself."  I thought about my needs and my life, and more importantly I just felt.  I felt everything I had bottled up for years and I started to sketch.  This is when I decided to ask my friends for help.  I would make moulds of my body.  A series of them. 

I made one of my front.

And one of my back.

The result is fascinating!  

(Laying out to dry)

I left them to dry in the sun.  

I will leave them to dry this weekend.  I will then work on practice moulds of my elbow and hand, in order to work out a process.  I will eventually fill these larger moulds with beeswax.

I am very excited and nervous to see how they turn out!

5/28/14

A few months prior to this I had my work shown at linfield College.  The piece I had been working on the whole year had paid off.

I was just as excited then as I am now about that piece.  This piece has ebbed and flowed and now I can say how officially proud I am.  I have entered it in a few Call for Works, wish me luck!

A Great Artist

A great artist once told me, make a mark, step back, and make another.  [Nils Lou]

I have found in approaching carving that is exactly what I needed to do.  I made my first gesture sketch, with chalk on wood.  I felt alive.  I followed the lines, the curves, the edges, with my gauge.  The great thing about carving is that the more you do it the more exhausted you physically become, but the more invigorated you feel.  You feel alive, and even though you are a sweaty mess, and hours have gone by when you exit the woodshop, you feel awake and alert.

I started my carvings knowing I wanted to create shadow.  I traced a shape with my chalk and then used a bansaw to cut that form out from the rest of the wood.  I carved the whole surface with a big gauge.  I wanted every inch to be touched and worked on.

I then worked my way to the smaller gauges.

I found a motion with a small gauge that I really enjoyed.  I created these scratch marks to cover the surface, every side, of the wood piece.

These scratch marks were very reminiscent of the marks I had made on art in former years.

I am very excited to continue carving.  Though I do not know how I will use these wooden pieces I know, in my gut, that they are very important to my current body of work.

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